Porn and I

Long back I heard a quote written by the great Harivansh Rai Bachchan. He said “Mandir Masjid bair karaye, mel karaye Madhushala”. If only he lived in our times when pornography is no longer restricted to books, he would realise that boys unite much before they start drinking.

As any other kid I was born curious. And then I got the answer to every secret of human life.

THE GANG-BATE – 10^th standard, Jamshedpur

My parents had left for Kolkata and I was supposed to be alone for the weekend. Perfect time to invite friends for ….whatever. I called 2 of my very close friends Bittu and Bunty and asked them to get some porn. For some reason they thought porn should be watched in a group and so when I opened my door I saw 28 male classmates grinning at my doorstep. No wait, all weren’t my classmates, some got their neighbours too.

Before I could insert the CD I warned them that I stay in an apartment where walls have ears and the neighbours have long tongues. But apparently porn cures eyes and deafens you. No sooner did I hit the ‘Play’ button they screamed so loud that even the female pornstar stop screaming and turned towards us.

My friends came from good families so manners were inculcated in them. Basically they got their own hand-towels. Unlike other great films, porn is a film you are supposed to leave half way through. Too bad I had just one bathroom. Wish the queue on Election day could have been as long. But hats off to the potency of my bathroom’s latch. It just didn’t break. Which made sure my friends get to know each other better.

Result: a blocked drain, a slippery bathroom, a bunch of hand-towels and an empty bottle of room spray. Also, I had to pay 500 rupees to my maid. No it wasn’t for what you think, on the contrary it was to keep her mouth shut.

PORN PAUSED – 11^th standard, Pune

It was my 4th month in Pune and I had already made some good friends. One of my good friends Atul invited a few of us to his place to play cards. Most non-Bengalis think that Bengalis are good at it so he called me thrice just to confirm. Another Bong friend and I reached his house to find 3 other friends waiting for us.

After a few rounds we got bored and were contemplating over the next game we should play, when suddenly a shrill voice spoke the magical words “Pondy dekhna hai?”.

Cut to 5 seconds later

6 of us were sitting in front of the huge television set waiting for the movie to begin. And then it began. Watching God’s masterpiece in exactly the way he designed it, is always a treat.

When you are watching a film where the audio is supposedly all about sighs and deep breaths a dialogue can be really scary. But when it is in Hindi it can only mean ATUL’S MOM HAD RETURNED. “Khana kha liya aap logo ne”, she inquired.

Suddenly from being high on adrenaline we entered a semi-conscious zone. But somehow we managed to find the remote and pressed the button. To our misfortune the ‘Pause’ button. Guess porn had an amazing effect on the television too. It just refused to ‘turn off’. Alas! Technology sucks. She came to us, had a good look at the television set and left. She couldn’t see much. Two huge boobs in the television screen were blocking her view.

Since then we never watched porn. In Atul’s house.

WRONG HAND – 12^th standard, Jamshedpur

My board exams were just a month away and I was in Jamshedpur for my study leave. Those days we didn’t have to rent porn, our cable operator was really helpful. Anytime between 9 PM to 11 PM one of them called one of us to say the name of the movie and the time. We insisted on the names because that helped us survive the prolonged wait.

My phone rang at 10:30 PM. “Ek baje, Witches of Brooklyn” the voice on the other side said and disconnected. Excitement rose as if the hottest girl had just asked me out. I just couldn’t wait for my parents to sleep. Adrenaline gushed through my veins.

The clock struck one and I switched on my television. The movie had just begun. It featured one of my favourites – Stormy Daniels.

Pornstars are the only actors who can extract reactions out of their audiences. And I am just a mere mortal with hardly any power of resistance. Buttons unhooked. Trouser unzipped. A hand on my shoulder. Errrrrrrr……….

The last time my dad saw me in such a condition was probably before I even entered a school. I am sure he never wished to see me in that state either.

Next day cable connection was disconnected, phone was shifted from my room and of course my dad started asking me questions pertaining to my subjects. A childhood ruined.

Porn has also been a saviour for me on various occasions. For example during ‘ragging days’ I was treated well because my seniors knew I had a good collection of porn. I wasn’t sacked from my 1st job (call-centre) in spite of the fact that I called an American chutiya over the phone, simply because my boss was aware of my collection.

But none of my misadventures can match my friend who made the worst decision ever. He wanted to make love to his girlfriend. His idea of seducing a girl was by making her watch porn. If only he knew that he wasn’t as gifted as American porn-stars, he would not have remained a virgin.

Quote quote ke maaro – Men who are united by porn can never be divided by caste.