Ishaq da Dhaaba – Day 1

Note – Had written a play long back. This is the edited version of it. 

Zindagi jhand hai phir bhi ghamand hai, charo aur ladkiya hai phir bhi haatho mein …….. Sheher mein rehta to ghamand ko kayi baar thes pahunchta. Yehi soch kar mai wapas apne gaon Chamiyatown chala aaya. Socha koi dhanda shuru kar lunga. Sheher ne do cheezey sikhayi thi –  ghodo par betting aur doosro ki setting. Betting ke paise abb setting se doogna karne ke vichar se mai gaon mein ek pyaar ka consultant ban gaya.

Abb gaon mein TVC, radio spot, print ad, poster, dangler, loha lasoon prakaar ki advertising to hoti nahin. To main bhopu lekar shuru ho gaya

Deviyo aur sajjano

Suniye suniye aur sunte jaiyye

Intezar ki ghadi hui khatam

Mohabbat ki kaksha mein abb aap aayenge pratham

Ameer ho ya gareeb

Hamesha hoga koi na koi kareeb

So kholiye dil ka darwaza

Kyunki aa gaya Ishaq da dhaaba

By the way this has nothing to do with Ramdev Baba

Iske saath hi maine bajaya gaon ka most romantic gaana “Khulla hai mera pinjra aa meri maina, chura na aise ankhiyaan ladne de naina, Haaaaaaaaaaan”

Pehle grahak ne kadam rakkha. Yeh the Humraaz gang ke leader Abbas Gwaala.

Abbas – aur hero dhanda kaise chal raha hai

Me – Bas bhaai dua hai aapki

Abbas –  Bhaai se dua hi lega ki kuch dega bhi

Me – hukum kijiye bhaai

Abbas Bhaai mere table par padey kuch ex and y Miss Chamiyatown ke photos dekhne lagey.

Abbas – yeh laundiya jawan lagti hai, kitne ki hai

Me – ji pachhis ki

Abbas – sau ya hazar

Me – ji matlab

Abbas – abbey pachhis sau ki ya pachhis hazar ki

Me – ji yeh pachhis saal ki hai

“Abbey rate bata”

Me(clearing my throat) – Bhaai mai date set karta hun rate nahin

Abbas – abbey kamaal karta hai. Naam hai dhaaba aur jab khaane ka daam poocha to mana karta hai

Me – ji aapko galat faimi hui, mai yahan ladkiyo ke saath setting karwaata hun. Aggar aapko kisi se pyaar hai to mai aapki setting karwa sakta hun.

Abbas (disappointed) – Abbey pyaar to humko har doosre din hota hai. Aur setting ka kya hai ladki ke ghar 2000 bhej deta hun. Maani to theek, nahin to uthwa leta hun.

Me (in a very phati huyi condition) – Bhaai aap rockstar ho. Par kar kisi ke paas aap aapke jitney suvidhayein uplabdh  nahin. To unki madad karne ke liye maine yeh dukaan khola hai.

Abbas bhaai left with dejection. Pehla grahak disappointed. Bad omen. But himmat nahin haari maine.

Doosra grahak tha gaon sabse coolest playboy. Naam tha Abhi Dey

Aate hi bole Abhi dey

Me – Kya dun?

Abhi – Abbey naam hai mera Abhi Dey

Me – Maaf karna par kaafi raub jama kar bheekh maangte ho aap

Abhi – yo man. English talk to me. Hindi is below aukaat.

Me – Ok. So do you like anyone?

Abhi – Girl name Rita, sister name Sita, mother name Sangeeta, and babuji sells pheeta. Aur usi ne my heart jeeta

Me (after cracking the riddle) – Babuji ne?

Abhi – Ritaaaaaaaaaaaa Rita  you fool

Me – So do you love her?

Abhi – No no no. Her body big. Backside bigger. I want the girl. Ma babuji want bachha. Total mamla sex mein nipta.

Me – Sorry but I don’t deal in sex. I will help you only if you are in love.

Abhi – Don’t panga with me. I see gory filmein all day and I watch 60’s ka porn. Mera setting karwa else I’ll tell everyone that you sell such cheap stuff.

Yeh keh ke Abhi Dey ne humaari le li aur nikal liye.

Sar phat chukka tha aur pichwada chipak chukka tha. Itne mein ek bewde ne kadam rakha. Andar aaye aur bade pyaar se apne tashreef ko kursi par rakh diya.

Me – Ji mai kaise aapki seva kar sakta hun

Bewda – ek chicken tandoori, ek kaleji fry aur paanch naan. Aur thande mein kya hai?

Me – Abbey mere ko dhaabe ka waiter samjha hai kya?

Bewde – Abbey maal maara hai kya. Baahar itne bade board mein Dhaaba likha hai.

Me – ji yeh Ishaq ka dhaaba hai

Bewda – Ishaq? Veg hai ya non-veg

Kisi tarah apne gusse ko shaant karke maine uss bewde ko baahar nikaala. Thaka hara mai wapas apni kursi par baitha ki woh balkhaate huye aa gayi. Chamiyatown ka official speaker Miss Bhookhi Sawant.

Bhookhi – Ji mai Bhooki

Me – Kamaal karti hai aap, itno ko khaa chuki hai aap, phir bhi….…

Bhookhi – Ji mai Jejus par bahut trust karti hun. Jejus ne hamesha mera saath diya. Jesus har dukh mein mere saath rehte hai. Jejus nahin hotey to main nahin hoti. Kal raat Jejus mere sapne mein aaye, boley aapki dukan mein mujhe Jejus jaisa ladka milega. To mai  Jejus jaisa ladka dhundne aayi hun.

Me – ji yeh to thoda tough hai

Bhookhi – dekjhiye aagar aap meri help nahin karenge to Jejus bahut naraaz honge.

Me (dharam sankat mein) – dekhiye waise to ek ladka hai. Aaj ke yug mein wahi Jejus hai.

Bhookhi – kya naam hai?

Me – TRP

Bhookhi – ji?

Me – Aaj ke date mein TRP hi Jejus hai, wahi decide karta hai kaun jeeta kaun haara, kaun hit hai kaun flop hai. Aapke liye TRP hi sabse apt hoga. Main jald hi aapki setting karwaata hun.

Bhookhi Sawant khush ho gayi apni cleavage ki ek jhalak dikhakar chali gayi.W0h dekh kar mere dil mein dhande ko aage badhane ka jazba utpann huwa.

Aa gaye agle grahak. Pyaar mein harey huye ek bhookhe sher. Naam tha inka Sheikh Baval.

Me – to Baval ji, kya karte hai aap

Baval – Ji mai photographer hun

Me – waah lajawab. To kahiye aapko kissey pyaar hai

Baval – Apne chitro se

Baval Ji ne kuch dus ladkiyo ki tasveero ko mere saamne rakh diya.

Me – Ji aapka collection to mere se bhi zyaada hai. Do chaar tasveere mai bhi rakh sakta hun kya?

Baval – haath mat lagaana mere tasveero ko. Mai yeh tasveere sirf apne paas rakhta hun. Na kisi ko deta hun, na Facebook par upload karta hun.

Me – Magar aapko inme se pyaar kissey hai?

Baval – Jo mere se sabse pehle pategi, mujhe usi se pyaar hai. Waise inme se paanch ki shaadi ho chuki hai, aur baaki paanch ki honey waali hai.

Me (dumbfounded) – Ji yeh to kaafi kathin aur beimaani waala kaam hai.

Baval – Agar tumne mera yeh kaam kiya to mai tumhaare tasveero ko itna raunchy bana dunga ki agle 5 janmo tak tumhe apne facebook ki profile pic change karne ki zaroorat nahin padhegi.

Abb aise deal se kaun inkaar kare. Baval ji jhush huye aur nikal liye.

Shaam ho gayi thi. Dukaan bandh karne ka waqt ho gaya tha. Mai bas nikalne ki taiyyari kar hi raha tha ki, aa gaye ek aur grahak. Naam tha inka Toy Toota.

Toy – Ji hum Toy hai

Me – To kahiye Toy Ji kisne aapko chaabi ki

Toy – Ek Punjaaban ne. Naam hai Darupikar Hawan

Me – Waah kya madhosh naam hai. Koi tasveer hai aapke paas

Toy – Ji mere blog pe hai. Aapke yahan net connection hai?

Me – Ji hai. Link bataiye

Toy – bakchodi.slogspot.com

Me – waah kya naam hai

Toy – achha jab aapne blog khola hi hai to mere do chaar posts padh ke phatafat comment kijiye na

Me – ji zaroor padhunga, pehle aap apni kahani to bataiyye

Toy – arey main kahan bhaaga jaa raha hun. Padhiye comment kijiye phir baat karte hai

Cut to 4 posts par comment karne ke baad

Me (pareshan ho kar) – Toy ji abb to bataiyye. Koi tasveer hai aapke paas

Toy Ji ne tasveer nikaal ke saamne rakh di

Me – Toy Ji daru ki nahin Darupikar ki tasveer dikhaiye

Finally Toy Ji ne apne album mein kaafi ladkiyo ki tasveero mein se ek tasveer nikal ke diya.

Allah kasam ladki to Allah taala ki nayamat lag rahi thi. Shakal soorat aur size se lagg raha tha ki kaafi raes ghar ki ladki hogi. Toy Ji jaise jaise uske bare bolne lage, humara charitra waise waise phisalta gaya.

Kahani ke anth tak humey Darupikar se pyaar ho gaya. Phir humara imaan jaag utha. Humey laga ki yeh dukaan humne doosro ki bhalai ke liye kholi hai. Lekin phir humne socha ki agar dhande mein munafa na ho to dhande ka fayda kya. To humne Toy Ji ko bhatkaana shuru kiya.

Me – Toy ji, bura mat maniye par humko laundiya theek nahin lagi

Toy – kaisi baatey kar rahe ho, ladki to achhi hai. Hrisht-pusht bhi hai

Me – Kahan Toy Ji? Ladki kitni peeti hai, peene ke baad kitni ulti karti hogi. Abb aap to samjhenge, kal ko gharwaalo par ulti kar di to, phir mohalle waalo par. Aisi ladki ke saath……..

Toy – bakwas kar rahein hai aap. Uske bare bura mat kahiye. Woh meri maal hai.

Me – Toy Ji, zara apne hunar ko pehchaniye. Aap itne jaane mane blogwriter hai, aapke dil mein hi nahin album mein bhi ladkiyo ki bheed hai. Aap chahe to kya kuch nahin kar sakte. Arey aap jis par ungli rakhenge wahi pategi. In fact aapke liye mere nazar mein ek bahut hi khoobsoorat ladki hai.

Tasveer dekhte hi Toy Ji ke totey udd gaye. Hawaon ne rukh moda. Pyaar ki raah se digress hokar Toy Ji abb Hawas ki raah par chal pade.

Toy – yehi yehi chahiye mujhe. Aap bhagwaan ho. Item ki dukaan ho, nahane ka saaman ho. Mujhe isi ladki ke saath setting karni hai.

Toy Ji ko maine kiya setting ka vaada. Toy Ji khush hokar chale gaye. Humne bhi apni dukaaan ki shutter down kari. Dil khush tha, kyunki mujhe iss dhande ki taakt samajh aa chuki thi.

Mujhe yakeen tha

Gaon mein Ishaq da dhaaba aisi aag lagayegi

Ki Hawas ke pujariyo ki band bajj jaayegi

Dhaaba closed for the day!!!