Uncalled for

Have you met people who smile in the most intense situations? Or those who can start singing even in the middle of a conversation? Or come up with the weirdest answers at an awfully wrong time? Aren’t they weird? At times they can look like a complete asshole and make a mockery out of themselves. Invariably their acts are considered condescending or insensitive. Well this is the perspective of one such weird insensitive prick.

Case 1 – Police ki ragging

 Since the time I left college I have turned into a really decent guy. I don’t indulge in bar-fights, hardly raise my voice and I don’t tease the cops (not even the traffic police).

But one day my friend and I got really drunk. And then booze oozed up his confidence and he decided to drive.

It was 2AM, the roads were empty and the traffic signals were on stand-by mode. Under these conditions you can hardly go wrong spotting the vehicles on the road. In that peaceful hour my friend saw a hanging red light. He decided to take a 360 degree turn around it. At 90 degrees our car crashed. With a white Qualis. On which the red light was placed.

Next I know there were two cops abusing us. They were speaking gibberish. At least that’s what it seemed. My friend started having a heated argument. They were about to take us to jail. They reminded us of our seniors from college. Any ragging scene would have looked pretty similar. Amidst that one of the cops asked my friend his name and he replied “My name is Sanjay Kumar gaand mara ke”.

There was pin drop silence. The windy atmosphere also adjusted to this melodramatic scene.

Flashback

My friend Sanjay and I were room-mates in college. He was the biggest Don in college and I was the biggest flirt. Together we were noticed by everyone. He introduced me to smoking and smoking-up. I shall always remain thankful to him for that. Well, none of this information is important here.

Let’s get to the point. During first semester ragging was the most interesting social network available. We interacted with a lot of seniors. Both male and female. We gave roses to a lot of female seniors. It was a part of ragging. And to some more female seniors. It was a part of socialising. This was the fun part; let’s get to the funny part.

We had a typical way of bonding. Post dinner we juniors were called near the ‘Boys Amenities Centre’. Where we were asked to demonstrate a few Kamasutra poses. And a few innovative ones. Once we had animatedly fucked our batch-mates we had to shout out our names. The pseudo full names. Where your whole name is your first name and the common last name given was ‘Gaand mara ke’. So names sounded like Rahul Pandey Gaand Mara Ke, Shashank Yadav Gaand Mara Ke, Ankan Banerjee Gaand Mara Ke. We did this for 8 months. Of which in the last 6 months we did it to our school-names and the names of our hometowns as well.

As years passed by, those scenes got blurred. Little did Sanjay know, that 4 years from then he would be confronted by a cop who would look like our senior and bark in a similar voice. But when he did face someone like that he answered like a perfect fresher.

Of course the cops thought we were drunk. In fact they knew it. They were startled. So was Sanjay. His arrogant voice turned apologetic. I couldn’t help but smile. In fact I laughed like crazy. Sanjay could not believe my reaction. But the cops found the scene amusing. I am so glad they had a sense of humour. They let us go. But not before we paid them five hundred rupees. Courtesy – Mr. Sanjay Kumar Gaand Mara Ke.

Case 2 – Ladki ke papa.

 Last weekend I visited Pune to attend a friend’s birthday party. As usual I was late to reach and I made sure two of my friends (Sandy and his girlfriend Neha) also get delayed. Finally we reached at 9 PM. Party had hardly begun because we were carrying the cake as well.

At around 1AM we wrapped up. I left the party with Sandy and Neha. Suddenly Neha remembered that she wasn’t drunk enough and she felt she was being unfair to herself. She persuaded Sandy to buy some alcohol which we can savour sitting in he car. And that’s exactly what happened next.

It was 2:30 AM; we were pissed drunk as we entered Neha’s society’s gates. We spotted her parents standing below the apartment. Even before she stepped out of the car she started apologising. Apparently she had been ignoring their calls since the last 3 hours. Her dad called us out of the car “Who are these boys I want to talk to them right now.” Sandy did not appreciate the invitation but reluctantly stepped out of the car. Poor thing was about to meet Neha’s parents that week to seek permission to get married to Neha. Not the perfect introduction I would say.

For the next twenty minutes we faced the rant of an over-concerned parent. Logical questions like “Do you know what time it is? Don’t you have some respect for the girl? How can you be so careless? Do you think it’s a good habit to go out drinking with a girl so late?” followed.

I was extremely tempted to answer a few questions but I didn’t want to ruin Sandy’s future. Neha’s dad then said that he knew about what’s cooking between Sandy and his daughter. He actually wanted to call him the following day. But haaye re kismat!!!

I looked at Sandy’s face. His face defined embarrassment. And I laughed. Not subtly but monstrously. Everyone else was shocked. Sandy gave me a look of disgust. Very similar to the stare I gave him 8 years back.

8 years back

 I was in class 12. In those days tuition is where you did the actual learning. My Friends and I were attending the Chemistry tuition conducted by our dear Mr. Pingle. After whom a drink is named. It’s called Pina Colada or Pingle ka lo…. something. Can’t remember.

Half way through his class my room-mate Jai walked into the class. He was perspiring profusely. He whispered something into Mr. Pingle’s ear after which he made an announcement – “Joy, you have to go home. Some CBI guy came looking for you”.

My heart skipped a beat. I swear I was scared. And embarrassed. The entire class was looking at me as if I had raped someone. My friends Bhajji, Pulsar, Firangi, Vandy, Ronky, Sandy and I left the classroom. Mr. Pingle allowed them to come along because even he felt I needed moral support.

We reached home and waited. It was the most painful wait of my life. My friends had distrust in their eyes. They tried to ask me the same questions in various ways. They tried to ask me if I had molested/killed/hit someone. The answer was NO.

After ten thousand years the doorbell rang. With reluctance in my heart I opened the door. “Are you Joy?” a tall bulky looking man asked. His moustache was similar to that of Aamir Khan’s in Mangal Pandey. The moment I said yes he dragged me out of the house.

We were standing at the parking. And then he started his rant. During which I figured that he was the father of my dear friend Jasmine.

Jasmine and I went to the same Maths tuition where we became good friends. Every day I used to drop her home. She stayed in a society infested with over-orthodox inhabitants. These residents probably had a crush on me or were too possessive about Jasmine. So they went up to Jasmine’s father and uttered words spoken by a vamp in Ekta Kapoor soaps. They annoyed him to the extent that he came to my house.

My friends were standing at a distance of ten meters. Even they could not be of much help. After all who would want to mess with a CBI officer?!? Finally his rant ended with a note of forgiveness. Even he fell for my cute expressions. Then I had to make up a story about how there were bad guys standing outside his society to hoot at Jasmine every day. That’s why I accompanied her.

Hearing this Mr. CBI’s eyes filled with remorse. He shook his hands with me and offered me his visiting card. In fact he asked me to call him if I ever needed help.

As he walked away I felt pretty good about the mishap. Now I am carrying the card of a CBI officer. I felt like challenging the world. But thankfully I stopped to read his name on the card. And then I noticed something.

He didn’t work for the CBI. He worked for the SBI bank. I felt like going back to that man and thrash him brutally. The reason why I quietly listened to him, the reason why my friends didn’t intervene was simply because we didn’t want mess with a CBI officer. My anger knew no bounds. I looked at Jai who sensed what was approaching him. His voice shook as he said “Yaar woh itna chilla ke bol raha tha mujhe CBI sunai diya”. And exactly at that moment Sandy burst into laughter. In the most embarrassing moment of my life Sandy laughed the loudest.

I gave him a stare very similar to the one he gave me last weekend.